Unintelligible, I KNOW.

The agony of deciding in favor of there being merit to indecision, of committing to a life philosophy that will never not evolve, so that your philosophy can never definitively be anything. Of deciding you know everything there is to know, and by that I mean the one thing you need to know is that you can never know everything, pretty much next to nothing, that any more gain in knowledge is infinitesimal.

But also that life is really good.

I wish I could be Roxane Gay except as me. Because I don’t need therapy and I do need to articulate my thoughts but I don’t want to share them and I definitely don’t need to share them but I also want someone to know them? Preferably, ____.

And, like, drowning in fucking red wine is the most self-pitying thing you could do but also is it wrong to have self pity? Is there anything constructive I can make of this anyway? I don’t know much, I mean I think I do but I don’t, but I’m pretty confident that — fuck, I can’t write the word, I won’t write the word — it is not meant to be constructive in any way. And not that respect is a thing that should be demanded [ahem, not to be disrespectful, lolright?], but there is a certain line you must draw in the assumptions and conclusions you decide to make when evaluating the impact of this on your life. Meaning: don’t turn it into a story. Like, narratives are super nice in fiction but you gotta be real careful with them otherwise and if anyone is gonna learn anything from Serial (not from it, but from it, which is highly unlikely, lolright?), narratives are for the suckers who aren’t directly affected and want to feel like they were affected (which is what we discussed). Not that I wasn’t affected (?? was I??? Nobody was, actually, I mean technically, if we admit to ourselves that emotions can be completely and totally and utterly manipulated by our minds).

But making a story or reviewing things sequentially or considering alternatives, it all just is a serious hardcore waste of time (unless you’re a liberal white lady who just needs to wrangle the Innocence Project into your back pocket, lolright?), and the closest you can come to disrespect is what I guess I would call, I don’t know, impertinence (?). Because there is reality and there is life and that’s just the way it is, things will never the the same, so that as a result of *events* and *changes* we’re either meant to change everything as well, or else nothing, and I tend to lean toward the latter and I don’t think that’s unfair or uncool? I think that’s just being a human who’s committed to themselves and their personal growth and simultaneously their personal stability, and also being committed to not having unexpected things fuck them up, which is either a sign of mental illness (everyone is at least a little bit after all, right?) or a sign of not being in a good (lol, not “goof”, keyboard!) place, which is a very valid situation to be in as a human. But what I do mean by that is a “good place” is a space in which you are never gonna be in total shock, which is [shock, I mean] something that could perhaps be a fault evolutionarily, and if we consider faults to be… not good… then, let’s just say this: every human should try to put themselves in a place where they can be shocked, they can have sad things happen, and they can deal with it (sunglasses gif).

So.. Conclusions I have reached:

  • I’m being selfish in my internalization of this, but honestly, that’s the only way anyone can be and it’s not a bad thing because try as many might, it cannot be made useful.
  • It just sucks and that’s it. There’s no more to it.
  • Sadness is a real emotion that I actually have never felt and I am grateful to feel it and loss is a thing that happens and that’s okay, and maybe not just ok, but good, I mean not for those who were lost (sucks to be them, amiright?), but for those who, having no way of reversing events, must move forward?
  • Except the loneliness I have felt over the past month compared to the months prior during relative normalcy is so much more desperate.
  • And seeking companionship feels so right now. And also so.. not wrong? maybe disrespectful? Perhaps just… off? because nobody will ever be the same and I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to fill that gap or formally and permanently renounce those feelings and experiences and declare that they will never be found, for me, in anyone I ever meet again.
  • And when you have a unique and rewarding relationship that nobody else knows of or you share nothing similar with anyone else then that’s the most desperate and empty and hollow feeling and it FUCKING SUCKS.
  • So the only way I can and should put this into perspective is just to say that I had something so fucking good and now it is gone and that is sad and bad.
  • And I’m putting less pressure on myself than ever, which, you would think the opposite? You would think get everything in while you can? But I’m just realizing the most beautiful thing, which is that you will never fit anything OR everything in and you will never achieve perfection and cross everything off the list and you need to feel positively about the day to day and actively contemplate the changes you make and if they’re not improvements then turn around and do something else and that’s all you can ask for. And I can’t take mundanity but the only person who could get down with putting everything in that kind of perspective is…
  • was…

I wish we could talk about this Bill Cosby bullshit.

FUCK.

I swear I’m not stoned. I’m just sad.

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